I Solemnly Swear
by MandyAnn
Summary: I, Remus Lupin would like to impart to you the story of my life, how I fell in love and found a family, and then how I lost everything. Start to finish. The whole truth. I solemnly swear. RLSB/JPLE MWPP-OOtP
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Characters/Hogwarts etc... not mine.

Rating: T. Mild drug use and mild sexual scenes of the boy on boy nature quite a bit later.

A/N: This is Remus's life story in his own words. And he's going to tell it from start to finish. I'm not sure how this turned out. It will turn into slash later. But as they are currently 11-13 don't expect it right now. I have a plan for this story, but I have no idea how many chapters it's going to be. Maybe about PLEASE review. Keep me encouraged so I can keep writing, okay? Remus's commentary is in bold.

**XXXX**

**This is a long story, and really, I'm not entirely sure where to start. They say you should start at the beginning. But there's a fair few beginnings to choose from. **

**Logically, my story would start in March of 1960. **

**But you could say it didn't really begin until six years after that, when I became a monster.**

**The fact of the matter is my life started on September first of 1971. Yes, I think that's where I'll start. And who knows, maybe if you pay close enough attention, you'll find out that Monster story too. **

"Mama! Mama! Papa told me there would be a big lake! And a library with _thousands_ of books! Is it true?" I looked up at my mother with big round little-boy eyes. I was terrified and excited and all these other emotions I didn't even know existed until that day. She smiled at me. She had the prettiest smile. I got my brown hair from her, but her's was thicker, and didn't easily turn gray like my Father's and -as I would late find out- my own.

"I don't know, my angel" She squeezed my hand in hers "I'm different than you and your Papa, you know that." I had forgotten. I always forgot. My father's wand was something so omnipresent that I didn't realize it was there, maybe I had tricked myself into thinking that she had one too.

"Well Papa must have told you!" I was jumping up and down excitedly. Soon we'd be at the platform and I'd be leaving her. I bounced and bounced, and every step was taking me closer to Papa's world. I was going to be like him, and make him proud.

Once my things were hauled onto the train, and I was coated with light-pink lipstick stains, I settled myself into an empty compartment. I was staring out the window, finally feeling the terror that was right in front of me.

No one would like me.

I am a monster.

I'm not even _human_.

I'd spend the next seven years probably being spit on and beat up.

"Hey mate, you saving these seats?" A short black-haired boy with glasses who looked about my age peeked into the compartment. My head snapped in his direction, and I jumped several inches off my seat. Another boy followed the first one. This one had longer hair, and had a strange look about him. Could eleven year olds look dignified?

"N-no..." I mumbled trying to compress myself in order to take up as little space as possible, without looking like an idiot. There was a hand in front of my face. Why? Oh! Handshakes. Introductions. The sorts of things normal people do.

"Potter. James Potter." The bespeckled boy smiled while I took his outstretched hand. "And this is Sirius." He pointed to the boy behind him who flashed a contained smile. "You shake hands like a nancy, by the by."

I twitched and felt heat all over my face. I had nothing to say. I panicked. The dignified looking boy, Sirius, stood up and slapped me on the back.

"Easy, mate, he's just taking the mickey." He laughed, and I got caught up in it. I laughed along with him because it was just _that_ infectous. "You never told us your name."

"Er..." Name Name Name...What the hell is my name? "R-Remus. Lupin." They smiled at me. Genuine smiles. I had never known what that was like. Other children in town avoided me. They had heard strange stories about the 'Lupin boy' supposedly I was quite dangerous. Before they could respond to me, a girl with long pretty red hair rushed into the compartment and threw herself into a corner. The two boys next to me watched her for a moment, before shrugging vaguely. It appeared that the shorter one - _James_ I thought,_ right_?- Was about to open his mouth to speak, but once again the compartment door was thrown open. A rather...well...odd looking boy came in, closing the door behind him and paying absolutely no mind to us, he started speaking to the girl. James and Sirius were talking again, but I wasn't concentrating. All I knew was that I didn't like how upset that boy made the pretty girl look.

"You'd better be in Slytherin!" The boy said to the girl. There was a smile twisting his sallow face. But I recognized that word. From the way my Father spoke of _Slytherin_, whatever it was, it couldn't be something good.

"Slytherin?" James's head perked up, and he immediately released Sirius from a playful headlock."Who wants to be in Slytherin? I'd leave, wouldn't you?"

"My whole family have been in Slytherin." Sirius said. He looked ashamed. I wanted to hug him, and read him a poem like my mother did when I was upset.

"Blimey!" James slapped Sirius on the back "And I thought you seemed alright!"

Sirius lost the ashamed lost-puppy look, and beamed. It made me feel better. His shame made me itch.

"Maybe I'll break the tradition! Where are you heading if you've got the choice?" Sirius asked. James pantomimed weilding a mighty sword.

"Gryffindor where dwell the brave at heart! Just like my dad!"

The sallow boy in the corner made a comment. I blacked out of it while they started arguing. I didn't want to hear it. There were kids being _nice_ to me. Not pointing or staring. I didn't want to believe that they could ever do _anything_ wrong. I didn't start listening again until the girl spoke.

"Come on Severus! Let's find another compartment!" She looked disgustedly at Sirius and James. _Maybe only bad people become friends with monsters after all_. I thought. I stopped listening again. Until a question was directed at me.

"What about you?" Sirius asked, smiling over James in my direction. "What house do you want?"

"Er...I..." Oh God I was so clueless. "I don't know what the houses are..."

"Oh!" A light went on behind James's glasses, and his mouth twitched into a manic smile. "Well there's four houses: Gryffindor (By far the best!) Ravenclaw Hufflepuff and Slytherin (The worst)"

He paused for breath.

"Gryffindor is a house for the brave-"

"And chivalrous!" Sirius added

"And then there's Ravenclaws, those are the bookish people." James's nose wrinkled in distaste. "Not much excitement with that lot."

"Oh, I think I could be in that one!" I said. Yes, that sounded perfect, I loved to read.

"Right better than Slytherin." Sirius shrugged. "You should shoot for Gryffindor, though. Are you muggleborn?"

"It's rude to ask you prat!" James said smacking Sirius sharply over the back of the head.

"Oh no, it's alright." I said assuringly. "I'm half and half. My Father is a wizard."

"Oh." They said as one.

We passed the remainder of the train ride talking, I forgot that they may have been bad people. They were so friendly they couldn't possibly be all that bad though, could they? Everytime I started to stare out the window and let my mind wander they would pull me back. Sometimes it was as simple as a shout of "Oi Lupin!" before I was pelted with several chocolate frogs by two laughing black haired boys. I had never had more fun in my life.

In the boat to the castle I wanted to be near them, unfortunately I had lost them leaving the train. I was compressing myself again. Trying not to bump into the other first years. I wondered how they sorted us into houses. Why hadn't I asked Sirius and James while I had the chance. An strict looking woman brought out a tattered hat and set it on a stool. It tore open and sang. I clapped with everyone else, not really hearing. And so the sorting had begun.

"BLACK, SIRIUS" I watched Sirius trudge to the front of the great hall, face set, and hands balled into fists. He looked determined. I couldn't hear him, but for a moment while the hat was on his head, I thought it looked like he was qquite angry with it.

"GRYFFINDOR!" I hadn't expected the hat to yell.

"EVANS, LILY!" It was the pretty red-headed girl. She looked much happier now. The hat had barely touched her head when-

"GRYFFINDOR!"

"LUPIN, REMUS!" Oh god. OhgodOhgodOhgod. I shook violently while I walked in front of everyone. I pulled the hat down over my head and the sounds of the great hall disappeared.

_"Ahh we've got a clever one." _

_"Excuse me?" _

_"You'd do well in Ravenclaw. Very, very clever. Alas I don't think that's where you would find happiness"_

_"But Ravenclaw is the only one I can be in! I'm not pureblood or brave or anything like that!" _

_"No, no, you'd be surprised by the things i can see in your head. Loyalty. Bravery. Empathy. No, my dear boy you're meant to be a-"_

_"_GRYFFINDOR!" The hat shouted the last word, and I sprinted to the Gryffindor table, where Sirius made a seat for me and patted my back as I sat down. My hands still shaking.

"POTTER, JAMES!"

"GRYFFINDOR!"

And James joined us. I'll never forget what James did right then. He pulled me up out of my seat and hugged me like a brother. Even if we tried to talk we couldn't hear eachother over the noise of the hall. But Sirius stood up and squeezed us both briefly while we all beamed at eachother.

**Now, I'm sure you're enjoying this tale of eleven-year-old excitement, but I can't very well tell you what I did every day of my life, can I? We're going to move on to a very important part of my third year. That part that really changed everything.** **We had aquired a new friend, about half way into first year. Peter Pettigrew. He was pretty funny, and acted, like I did, as a supporting roll to the constant performance that was Sirius and James' existance. I was the brains, and Peter was the dirty work. And we lived to watch the stars perform. **

**So anyway, back to that life changing event: **

"Remus I think I may have figured out where you go every month." Sirius said thoughtfully as he sat on his bed, lazily shooting sparks into the air.

"Has it finally sunk in to you that my Grandmother is sick?" I asked with minor irritation. Sirius sat up and looked dead at me.

"Which side of your family is she on?" He asked, and I could tell he was faking the casual tone in his voice.

"My father's" I lied. There was no sick grandmother. I'm just a monster. And if they knew, they would hate me.

"I looked up your family tree. John Lupin's mother died four years ago. She left an expansive library to her dear grandson too, from what I've read."

Ok I was trapped. How could I get out of this?

"What do you want me to tell you?" I asked not looking away from the book that was resting in my lap.

"How about why you always leave at the full moon." It felt like my heart stopped, or broke, or some stupid cliche like that. I managed to have friends. I got to be happy for just three short years. And apparently that was all I deserved. "Or why you always come back with scars all over, and looking like you've been to hell and back."

I was so angry I was seeing red. How dare Sirius make everything fall apart for me.

"I'm a monster, okay?" I yelled at him, standing up and throwing my book to the side.

"I was right." Sirius's face was blank and unreadble. "You're a werewolf."

"Yes! I am!" I screamed, hoping no one down in the common room could hear us. "Go ahead! Run and tell James and Peter so that all of you can avoid me for the next four years!"

"Why would we do something stupid like that?" Sirius asked standing up. My hands were set into fists and I was shaking all over. "You're a git, you know that?"

I stared at him. He found out what I was and the worst insult he could come up with was 'git'

"If you'd like me to inform James and Peter I will." He shrugged at me. "But you're our best mate and it won't change anything."

Sirius's face never betrayed him. He looked casual. And then, to my horror, James and Peter entered the dorm. Detention had ended.

"Merlin, Remus, you look like you're about to murder someone." James said with a smile before throwing himself onto my bed. Probably because mine was closest to the door. James was really _that _lazy some days. Sirius looked at me with his eyebrows raised. _Are we going to tell them? _He asked me silently. I nodded.

"You start." I mumbled, sitting down next to James, who looked between Sirius and I curiously.

"Remus has been keeping a secret from us." Sirius started.

"Oh, he's finally admitted that he's a werewolf?" Peter asked. I stared at him while Sirius nodded. I felt James's hand come crashing down on my back.

"Shouldn't keep secrets mate, we're family." James said affectionately.

"You guys don't hate me?" I whispered.

"You really are a stupid git sometimes." Sirius said sitting down next to James and I. "But if you're ever ready..."

"We'd like to hear how it happened." James finished for him.

I took a deep breath. _Here goes everything_

**XXXX**

TBC.


	2. 96 down, forever to go

**I had never been so terrified. Not even on the day I was bitten. I suppose I did promise you this story didn't I? I, Remus Lupin, am a man of his word. So here goes: **

"I was five." I paused. looked up at them. James had removed his glasses and was staring down at them in his hands, as he always did when he was unhappy. Sirius was pulling at a strand of his own hair. And Peter's eyes were darting about, though it seemed he could find nothing more interesting in the dorm than a 13-year-old Lycanthrope spilling his guts onto the freshly cleaned floor. I decided to get it all out before I had the chance to rethink it. I stared down at my shoes."His name was Fenrir Greyback. My father - My father had upset him. I was never told how. I don't want to know, really." I choked out a horrible excuse for a laugh.

"I don't think I was supposed to survive. He meant to devour me...Tear me to pieces."

I swallowed with great difficulty.

"But my father came home with the full might of the ministry on his side. Greyback fled. But the damage was done." I looked around at my friends. James had still not donned his glasses but he was lookinhg at me now. At the time, I mistook it for pity. Sirius stared at his hands and looked very deep in thought. Peter's eyes looked to be peering just over my shoulder.

"Is it...Is it horrible of me to wish he'd just killed me?" From the startled looks on my companion's faces I tried to remedy the situation quickly "I mean - then I couldn't pass it on. I don't want to hurt anyone." My voice broke. Before my head could even hit my hands I could feel James and Sirius on either side of me. Rubbing my back, touching my shoulder. I couldn't stop then, I had already opened up too far to go back.

"I have nightmares. Sometimes I wake up a-and...I think I must've bitten one of you. The dreams seem so real."

"Rem..." Sirius mumbled continuing to rub my back while I choked on air. He stood up, determined, defiant, completely _Sirius_.

**Genius though I may be, I am naught but a man, and no man can resist a Sirius/Serious joke. **

"I know what we'll do." He smiled at James who was watching him in curiosity. "We're going to find a way to fix it. Y'know, make it easier for you."

I smiled at Sirius' naivety. Clearly he had never learned much about the nature of my condition. "Sirius, there is no cure." He smiled ear to ear in my direction and gave my back one last pat.

"We'll find a way." he grinned. "TO THE LIBRARY!"

I smiled again. Getting up to accompany them, Sirius's hand met my chest and pushed me back down. "Nope. No Remus Lupins allowed. You're banned from the library until your amazing friends come up with a way to help you." 

"But - But..."

**And so I was banned from one of my favorite places. Not that it made a difference. It seemed they had acquired all the books necessary for whatever scheme they were plotting within that fateful day, for I began returning to the library, finding no sign of them. Although James and Sirius had begun leaving for quidditch practice on days when I would spend their absence surrounded by the **_**entire**_** rest of the team. Peter seemed to disappear at these times too. **

"Sirius, please tell me, what are you up to?" I put a hand on his over the table seperating us.

"Ugh. Why did we even take divination?" He whined for the 15th time that day, completely avoiding the question.

"Stop dodging my questions!" I yelled "You know very well you took it because you chose your classes at random!" The class- not to mention the professor- all had their eyes fixed on me. The professor appeared mildly affronted but shrugged us off and continued in her eerie babbling.

"Blimey, Rem, we're going to have to revoke your 'Child genius' status if you keep asking stupid questions." He flashed a smile "It has to be a surprise, obviously."

Rather uncharacteristically, I groaned and lay my head down on the desk. "I can scarcely imagine the atrocities you could be getting up to."

**I tried to get answers out of James too. Though Peter would probably be the easiest to crack, I wanted to get my answer straight from the mouth of one of the**_** evil geniuses**_**. **

"James, where do the lot of you disapear to?" I asked off-handedly, staring down at the book in my hands as if I was actually reading it, as if the question was of no real importance to me.

"Can't tell you that." He said confidently never pausing in the careful twig-trimming of his beloved broom.

"I'm just worried that you might be-"

"Don't be thick, Remus." James set his broom on the couch next to him gently. When he looked up his hazel eyes were uncharacteristically soft. They looked like deer eyes. "The full moon is in two days."

My breathing hitched and turned uneven. It was still strange and uncomfortable for them to know. I nodded none the less.

"Are you scared?"

"Terrified." My voice broke, and I was certain that James would attribute it to puberty. I hoped he wouldn't know that I could barely speak from the terror. He shook his head.

"We'll be there in the morning." He said with certainty. "You said the passage is under the whomping willow?"

I nodded again.

**Two days later, when the wolf tore itself out of my flesh with a blood-curdling howl, it was with a strange awareness that I wasn't **_**completely**_** alone anymore. That only served to make the wolf fiercer, hungrier. And with the lack of victims in the shack, I took to tearing myself apart. **

I blacked out most of the night, and woke up the following morning with almost no memory of what my monster had gotten up to. My eyes fluttered open, only to be met immediately by warm grey ones, hovering above, surrounded by long disshevelled black hair, and the smell of sleep. _Sirius._

"Remus, are you alright?" My throat felt raw and I couldn't bring myself to talk. I nodded, letting my eyes flutter shut again. I took inventory of my surroundings. It felt like someone had wrapped their cloak around me. I could sense the presence of three other people in the room.

An old gash on my chest had been reopened.

"We have to get him up to the castle." I heard James say. "I stopped the bleeding, but that gash doesn't look good."

I had to talk. This was going to hurt. "Madame Pomfrey will be down for me shortly." I barely mumbled.

"Shh." I felt Sirius pushing the hair out of my eyes. "We told her we knew, and that you're our best mate anyway. We begged her to let us come get you."

I couldn't respond. I was too bust trying to get the stinging out of my eyes.

James conjured up a stretcher and Sirius guided it towards the castle, with Peter trailing uselessly behind us. I was somewhere between consciousness and total blackout while Madame Pomfrey tended my self-inflicted wounds. It took a long time to notice that Sirius was holding my hand. I don't think he let go once the whole time. His jaw was set, and his eyes watched the healer with an expression that said -with far too many obscenities- that if she didn't take care of me preperly she would pay dearly.

"Does it hurt anywhere?" He finally asked, once Madame Pomfrey had bustled away to her office.

"Everywhere." I smiled faintly. His brow crinkled further than it already had.

"Why would you smile about it?"

"Because I'm used to it. Twelve full moons a year since I was five. Do the math." I chuckled with some difficulty. I wasn't expecting him to_ really _do the math. But there he was counting on his fingers.

"96? You've transformed 96 times?"

"Approximately." I mumbled. "Sirius cheer up." I closed my eyes again, but I could feel him staring at me like I was absolutely bonkers. I figured it would probably be best to keep talking before he exploded.

"Sirius you looking at me like an injured animal and showing me pity isn't curing lycanthropy and it isn't healing my wounds. It's doing nothing but make us both miserable, so either say something amusing and witty, or show yourself out." I wasn't expecting to say all that. It just sort of _happened_. It was true though. I was injured just as I had been for approximately 96 other full moons, and I would get over it, just like always. His pity was not helping.

"Er...James is a wanker?"

"Hm, you're not as funny under pressure." I laughed anyway. Weakly, mind you.

Journal pages:

_12 March, 1973._

_It's my birthday today. And I'm lucky enough to spend the night olf my birth staring up a completely moonless sky. That's right. NEW MOON! Sirius got me chocolate. A lot of chocolate. I think he may have just thrown a bag of gold on the counter and shoved as much candy as possible in his pockets. He's going to make me fat. James bought me a deluxe autographed special edition of Quidditch through the ages. It looks as though Peter walked into a muggle bookstore and grabbed the first thing he saw. Ironically enough, it might just be my favorite. It's a book of poetry. And I love it! I keep getting the poems stuck in my head and it's like background noise inside my brain. Oh! I almost forgot. We -James, Sirius, Peter, and I- came up with a name for ourselves. We'lll be called 'The marauders' according to James until "We are all so old our limbs start falling off." Which I think may just be impossible, as leprosy isn't a common illness anymore. By the by, I think I may be...y'know...gay. Or bisexual or something. I'm not sure. But blokes look nice. See? It must be true if I can't even write a proper sentence with them on the mind. Kingsley Shacklebolt is rather...well...rather nice looking. Oh Merlin I already sound like a girl! I need saving from my own faggotry! _

_14 March, 1973. _

_Not going to tell them. Wouldn't understand. Already a monster. Why make it worse? _

**Didn't see that coming, did you? Well yes, I, Remus John Lupin, am indeed a gay man. And for two long years after that realization, I kept it a secret. Shall we move on to my 5th year? You see, I hate to overuse a phrase, but things were always changing, and this is yet another one of those stories that, well...changed everything. **

**XXX**

**TBC**

**How is it so far? Any suggestions? The format of this story is really strange so I'm sort of learning as I'm going here. I'm not sure if I got Remus's birthday right. I was too lazy to look it up, and from what I could remember it was March 12th. Reviews por favor. I don't want to lose my inspiration. SO HELP ME.**


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